Michael De Santa: Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!

Police helicopter co-pilot: Have you read the manual for this thing?

Theater ad: Remember to turn off your cell phones, and please don't masturbate.

Simeon Yetarian: You tell me what you want and I'll explain to you very carefully why it cannot be.

Trevor Philips: Now go! I need to meditate. Or masturbate. Or both.

Trevor Philips: I'll be there later to sign the contracts. Just ignore the bodies...

Lazlow Jones: Hello this is Chatterbox. Please be a normal human being...

Caller: Lazlow, your show sucks!

Lazlow Jones: What? Oh! Hey welcome to Chatterbox with me Lazlow and you, the good citizens of this town. Now you know the format on this show, you call me up, you complain and we agree that the world is terrible and retarded and there's nothing we can do about it and we uh, listen to some commercials.

JD O'Toole: Oh God, I can't believe it. He is gonna cut my balls off. He's gonna put them in a vice! Not necessarily in that order. Oh God! I feel like the day the FBI searched my hard drive!

Maria Latore: Do you want to come in for a... uh... coffee?

Toni Cipriani: I'll pass.

Toshiko Kasen: Do you think I'm a bad person, Mister Toni?

Toni Cipriani: Well, princess, I ain't exactly a saint.

DJ Sage: Good morning, San Andreas! The baby boom is officially over. You are all irrelevant. Now die.

Helicopter Co-Pilot: This is aerial support...

Helicopter Pilot: Yeah, I think he knows that by now.

Carl Johnson: I'm a well-dressed maniac!

Helicopter Co-Pilot: There she is! She's beautiful!

Helicopter Pilot: There HE is! He's a guy!

Carl Johnson (after crashing into a car): What kind of license you got? Fishin' license?

Woozie: Thank you Carl, you saved me from having to kill them all myself.

Ken Rosenberg: Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?

Carl Johnson: Who the fuck is Tommy?

Carl Johnson: Grove Street. Home. At least it used to be until I fucked everything up.

Catalina: Are you going to fight for my love?

Carl Johnson: No. I can take rejection.

Lianne Forget: After months, all bridges have been reopened. Bone County, Tierra Robada, and Las Venturas County are now linked up with the rest of the state. Locals celebrated by mass outbreaks of xenophobia and inbreeding.

Helicopter Pilot: We are the police you moron, we got helicopters.

Woozie: OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.

Carl Johnson (jacking a car): What can I say? I'm a bad man.

Big Smoke: Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.

Carl Johnson: What fuckin' book?

Announcer: Come by Ammu-Nation to register to win an anti-aircraft gun, actually used when we whooped Australia's ass!

Mr. Zoo: Get lost doc. I got out of confines. Me and me friends are travelling around in a black van, solving crimes and running from the Colonel.

Maurice Chavez: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.

Alex Shrub: I'm a professional. That's my job.

Tommy Vercetti: Never forget the Second Amendment, asshole!

Ken Rosenberg: Tommy Vercetti doesn't even own a gun!

Phil Cassidy: No not the hospital, man! Too many cops and Viet Congs. There's an ex-army surgeon, owes me a few favors and a lawnmower. He's got a place down Little Havana. Oh look, a giant fish.

Ken Rosenberg: You wouldn't know the truth if you found it banging your wife. Now shut up and release my client. And your wife's not that great.

Tommy Vercetti (after killing a pedestrian): You can blame my mother. I do.

Pastor Richards: You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow everyday? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live where they are, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day.

Fernando Martinez: Stay with me. Stay with Fernando. Por favor. Mi amor. Siolito. It's like Fernando said to his ex-wife: «I love you, please, don't leave me. It is not what you think. I was bitten by a snake, and the nice lady, she came to suck out the poison». The story, she no work very well.

Ken Rosenberg: Of course my client looks guilty. Just because he looks guilty doesn't mean he is. You look like an idiot, but that doesn't mean you are.

Konstantinos Smith: I wish someone would kill me; that way I could hang out in the cemetery ALL the time, instead of just on weekends.

Lazlow: Here's some more non-stop «help me, I'm unemployed» rock.

Tommy Vercetti: There goes my careful planning, all blown to hell. Thanks to you. You screwed up real good, Lance.

Lance Vance: He killed my brother. What did you expect me to do? Mow his lawns?

Narrator: A deadly curse. A deranged killer. A small town in tears. «Knife After Dark». Rated «R», for «Retarded».

Ken Rosenberg: Do I look like I can intimidate a jury? I couldn't intimidate a child, and believe me, I've tried.

Ken Rosenberg: I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second, and fate shovels shit in my face.

Ken Rosenberg: Tommy, I have a disagreement, I mail them an angry letter, maybe pee in their mailbox. I DON'T start World War III.

Lazlow: That's what you get when you listen to this station: rock 'n roll and me. I'm not sure which I prefer.

Mitch Baker: I thought this was supposed to be a rock station, but all I'm hearing is girl's music.